I still struggle a lot. Then again, who doesn't?
I struggle with my mistakes and how I'm in this mess and how hurt I am and how this situation is going to affect my daughter.
He seems to thrive on hurting and manipulating me. It makes me feel violated and pissed off.
He talks out one side of his mouth with me and another to her. He lies.
And I was so stupid
I thought I could do so much good with him, with us.
So stupid and stubborn...
...and hopeful
Hopeful that a situation that was truly messed up was the happily ever after i always wanted.
I hoped until i believed it.
It makes it hard to trust myself. Makes myself question how different I really am... Feeling like the way i handle situations where I feel attacked is no different than before.
Really, am I really doing things different now?
I mean I'm more aware now, sure, but i wonder...
You combine me with someone like him and the result is BAD. Me with someone not like that? Probably different.
See I still find myself somewhat rationalizing, constantly trying to fix myself, thinking people don't like me, feeling like I'm not good enough, thinking I always mess up.
I mean seriously, him, work, my parents, its the same thing... Not good enough
I've always loved God. I've always had a relationship with him. I've always wanted to be involved and active. None of that's new so its not a change... I just CAN now whereas my previous environment stifled me.
I'm probably not giving myself enough credit.
I know my understanding of grace is new and has definitely made changes in me. Believe it or not my overall confidence is higher because of the grace but the people part, and the acceptance part... something I've always struggled with.
And the avoidance part... avoidance altogether or avoidance as an end result... I still tend to avoid things. It's a way of giving up because the hope that things will resolve and change through communication is shadowed by the usual punishment that is inflicted on me for trying to talk about it.
I think sometimes I don't trust that I've changed enough to trust myself that I'm going in the right direction.
I know that he is the way he is and that its not ok to be that way. I have 7 years of journal entries plus the last year of enlightenment to remind me. I FEEL like i can pick guys like him from a crowd now.
But yet I'm still sad. Sad because I felt so much love for him. I thought he loved me. I told myself we were going to make it. I was so sure but now, here I am and I feel like a fool. I feel like it was totally spelled out in the beginning and I ignored it.
I've always asked what I did wrong and what I need to change.
He's always had an excuse. Here's a change - I don't listen to them anymore or make them for him.
He's always baited me, even set me up sometimes. He can be very manipulative, of course he'd never admit that.
I've always second guessed my reasoning and conclusions.
I looked in the mirror yesterday morning and I saw someone who is tired, worn out, drained, hurt, broken, and wants peace to last more than a few days.
Sometimes you just need someone to understand how you feel, someone to tell you your fears, anxieties, concerns, disappointments don't make you crazy...sometimes you just want someone to trust.
Alrighty.
Amidst all this confusion, here's what I know.
I am loved. I am special. I am a good mom. I am forgiven. I am not alone. I am cherished. I am adored. I am beloved. I am worthy. I am free. I am grateful. In my weakness he is strong. I am beautiful. I am focused. I am indebted. I am no longer condemned. I am covered in compassion and mercy. I am made complete through Christ, and through Christ alone.
People can try to tear me down but they will not succeed because my hope, my faith, and my trust is in him and him alone.
My value is not determined by what others think or feel about me but by the one who knows the number of hairs on my head.
His grace, His abundant and plentiful grace is enough for me.
He sees me as worthy. He sees me as deserving. He sees me as loving and compassionate.
He knows how hard I try and reminds me that I should stop trying so hard.
He knows my needs. He knows my dreams. He knows my desires but most importantly he knows what he means to me...
and I know its not about me but his for his glory.
So although I all too often strive for perfection, my worst enemy, he knows, as well as I do, that I will seek him daily and that I want what he wants for me. I pray that my eyes stay open to the truth.
Because the truth, it sets me free.
Even if those around me miss the point I will not be deterred.
If I stumble, it's not them who catch me when I fall.
It's his grace and his grace is more than enough for me.
2 Corinthians 12: 7-10
"I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. "
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