Maybe I'm dreaming

In counseling today I mentioned an entry I had written a few weeks back about being a princess.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

Somewhere along the way I lost my crown and I didn't even know it. I'm not sure I can even remember having it.

My counselor told me that Brooke and I need to have our picture taken together dressed as princesses because I needed to actually SEE myself as a princess, to have a physical reference.

I probably will. I'm pretty good at following directions.

and at least I have an idea for a 365 pic now. I'm experiencing a creative lull at the moment.

Anyway... when I tell myself I'm a princess what am I really saying?

I'm saying I want to not just see myself but BE strong, independent, confident, and beautiful. I want to be a person who exudes grace, kindness, and compassion.

I'm saying that even if my tiara gets tilted every once and a while (ok, maybe a lot) and maybe I'm not always those things, I'm still a princess, God's princess, because Christ made me worthy and elevated me to a place of royalty through his death and resurrection.

So with that in mind... as my character is fueled by my gratitude, I want my princess-like qualities to attract a prince. There aren't too many princesses that don't end up with a prince you know. Oh how I want a prince, one of God's princes. I truly do.

I want to be someone who's qualities attract a man that loves me like... like Christ loves his church! A man that makes me feel cherished, admired, liked, enjoyed, and loved. Truly loved. I want to be pursued. I want to be caught and that person not willing to let me go because I'm THAT great to him. I want to be in a relationship where he cares enough about what's good for us, good for him, and good for me to face and follow through on what needs to be changed, no matter how scary, in order to make things right.

Does that even exist?

Turn you into a goon!

My daughter is a princess. In fact she KNOWS she is a princess. Daily her princess-ness is validated by those who surround her. Every night before she goes to bed I read to her our nightly devotional and again, remind her she's God's little princess. If the child grows up thinking she's anything less than royal, it's not from our lack of trying.

Somehow, and I'm not placing the blame on anyone, I don't think I ever thought of myself as a princess. Especially when it mattered.

If anything I saw myself more as a maidservant than royalty. Wanting so desperately to feel loved, wanted, and cherished I convinced myself that compromise was necessary because prince's are the things of fairytales, not real life.

Even after I thought I found a prince, I would again and again give up pieces of me... things that made me who I was... to have my supposed happily ever after.

I don't want my daughter to make the same fateful mistakes that I made. I know I can't stop her from making bad decisions but if I can at least convince her that she IS royalty as a princess in God's kingdom, then maybe, just maybe she won't settle for anything less than her prince and turn the others into goons.

Its easy to see my precious daughter as deserving nothing but the best but my personal challenge is to realize I'm worthy of the same.

Obviously it's easy for me to say I'm a princess too but when I accepted a marriage proposal that consisted of "I love you but I'm not ready to set a date" and then subsequently found myself in a situation where I'm being told "sometimes I just might need time to myself" I have to admit that there must be a part of me that deep down sees herself as less than royalty.

But damnit I'm a great catch!

I'm funny, I'm attractive, I'm smart, I'm educated, I'm responsible, I'm a great mother, I'm giving, I'm caring, I'm passionate, I'm analytical, I'm creative, I'm a friggin joy to be around!

Some day someone is going to realize this and I won't ever have to worry about being presented with "I love you but..."

Some day someone is going to crave me, miss me, want me, and as crazy as this sounds... some day someone is going to feel so blessed that I'm in their life that even if they don't feel "worthy" they're going to appreciate what they have and want to KEEP me. I won't ever have to hear "you deserve better."

A point I really can't argue because I do deserve better. I'm a princess!


At least I'll keep telling myself until I believe it.

I'm a princess...I'm a princess...I'm a princess...I'm a princess...I'm a princess...I'm a princess...