A future AND hope

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and hope. Then you will call upon me and go and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ~ Jeremiah 29:11-12

I was driving to work this morning thinking about my past and the ways it could effect my future. I actually wondered if the mistakes of my past were too much... if I'll ever have the future I've dreamed of. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to the end and see how everything turns out but I know I'll miss the rewards the journey has to offer along the way.

A big part of me wants to just accept things may not get any better than this. God knows I have plenty to be grateful for. I have many blessings. If I accept what I have and don't hope, then my hope can't be shattered.

But apparently God does want to give me a future AND hope. He wants me to hope!

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. ~ John 10:10:10

So God wants me to have a future, to hope, and to live life abundantly.

But when "the thief" is busy destroying how do you make it stop so you can have the future, the hope, and the abundant life?

Maybe my focus is off again?

My life’s in You

My strength’s in You

My hope’s in You

In You, it’s in You

I will praise You with all of my life

I will praise You with all of my strength

With all of my life

With all of my strength

All of my hope is in You

Maybe if I'm dreaming the wrong thing I should ask for him to change my dreams? I don't want to stop dreaming (hoping).

You'd think as long as I've had these dreams though... well they can't ALL be wrong. right?

Maybe I should have faith. Faith in his promise to give me a future, to give me hope.

Faith that everything will fall into place.

Focus. Trust. Believe. Ask. Pray. Take direction.

Maybe I'm dreaming

In counseling today I mentioned an entry I had written a few weeks back about being a princess.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

Somewhere along the way I lost my crown and I didn't even know it. I'm not sure I can even remember having it.

My counselor told me that Brooke and I need to have our picture taken together dressed as princesses because I needed to actually SEE myself as a princess, to have a physical reference.

I probably will. I'm pretty good at following directions.

and at least I have an idea for a 365 pic now. I'm experiencing a creative lull at the moment.

Anyway... when I tell myself I'm a princess what am I really saying?

I'm saying I want to not just see myself but BE strong, independent, confident, and beautiful. I want to be a person who exudes grace, kindness, and compassion.

I'm saying that even if my tiara gets tilted every once and a while (ok, maybe a lot) and maybe I'm not always those things, I'm still a princess, God's princess, because Christ made me worthy and elevated me to a place of royalty through his death and resurrection.

So with that in mind... as my character is fueled by my gratitude, I want my princess-like qualities to attract a prince. There aren't too many princesses that don't end up with a prince you know. Oh how I want a prince, one of God's princes. I truly do.

I want to be someone who's qualities attract a man that loves me like... like Christ loves his church! A man that makes me feel cherished, admired, liked, enjoyed, and loved. Truly loved. I want to be pursued. I want to be caught and that person not willing to let me go because I'm THAT great to him. I want to be in a relationship where he cares enough about what's good for us, good for him, and good for me to face and follow through on what needs to be changed, no matter how scary, in order to make things right.

Does that even exist?

New Beginnings

I have so many dreams. I have goals galore. To be able to dream after the last year gives me hope. Hope because I have dreams that are burning in my heart so intensely that I believe they're not just MY dreams. I believe the loving God that I serve has dreams and desires for me too. That he has given me a future and hope and that he wishes me peace.

It's been so long since my life has just been... calm...

I'm afraid that I still have a lot to go through before things really calm down but I hope and pray for that day. The impatient side of me hopes and prays that it comes soon... like yesterday!

I've been embarking on a scary treacherous journey for the last year. I've grown soooo much yet I often find myself back at square one relearning things I've already known. Oh how God is patient!

Although my life has changed in so many ways over the last year I feel like I've reached a new milestone and that this is my new-NEW start. The irony of this new start is that its commencing at the beginning of a new year, but really, the new year doesn't have too much to do with it. It just happens to be where I am in this trek. Trek being the keyword... I believe that God has a lot in store for me this year but I don't necessarily think 2009 is where it'll all happen.

Although I'll admit, I'm ready for my dreams to happen. I'm ready to get them out of my head and heart and see them as reality.

One dream/goal I've had for years is to work with high school youth. I think after the things I've been through I have a real story to tell. It's a story of how even good girls can slip up. A story of how growing up knowing about Jesus was a wonderful foundation but until I realized (and messed up bad enough) that I NEEDED God's wonderful grace, mercy, and compassion. That's when I finally "got it."

By the fall of this year I want to be leading my own group of freshman girls within my church's youth group. I've started laying the foundation. I'm getting involved. I'm already a greeter for the youth but I'm chomping at the bit PRAYING that I'm used in a more influential capacity before fall.

I hope and pray for my life to be restored. I learned my lesson the hard way by trying to control my own path and where I am now is the consequences of those choices. I thought I had what I wanted... The nuclear home with the husband, daughter, house, and dog. But having to walk away from all but the daughter in order to save myself (and her)... well the reality of that broken dream broke me.

Sometimes we need to fall flat on our face before we allow God to pick us up, dust us off, and clean up our mess. I believe that the pain will all be worth while if I hold on to the promise of what's at the end of the refiner's fire.

I long for and dream for the day this part of my life has been refined. I still dream of a husband, home, and especially at least one more child of my own. My eyes well up as my heart aches for that day. I've tried it my way. Now I KNOW, not just "know," that waiting for his hand in my future is the way it has to be. I'm still admittedly struggle with getting in my own way. It's a process that I'm constantly learning, accepting that I'll never know it all.

Speaking of never knowing it all. My church is reading through the bible this year and I have adopted the task as my own personal goal. So far I'm right on track and learning so much. I wondered why I had never done tried this before and I guess its because I didn't know where to start. I'm following the plan on my church's site http://www.gettingthebible.com/ and with a plan in place I'm able to look forward to my quiet time every night. It has allowed me to be a great example to my daughter. I got her Sheila Walsh's God's Little Princess Devotional and every night we read her story then she "reads" to herself while I do my reading. Sometimes I'll even read what I'm reading to her but without pictures her attention span runs out rather quickly.

I have another goal for my short-term future. I love taking photos. I'm surprised my child doesn't suffer from flash burn. Now that Ive graduated from UHCL (read: I no longer find myself monopolized by homework) I plan to take a leisure photo class to teach me about lighting and such. I love the 365's I've been stalking and I've decided to start my own. I don't know what all God has in store for me but I can't wait to look back through photos to see where he's taken me. I'm all for practice makes perfect and can only hope it'll improve my photography skills.

I'm feeling rather ambitious and even thinking about doing a 365 for my daughter. Not OF my daughter but FOR my daughter. Brooke just turned 4 this past New Years Eve and she got a real digital camera for her birthday. She has the photo bug like her momma and takes photos all the time. It is so cool to see the world through a 4 year old's eyes. As long as it stays fun I'm going to try and post a pic a day from the perspective of Brooke.

My best friend gave me a gym membership to a local gym that I would not have been able to afford had it not been a gift. I started taking better care of myself before the new year so this isn't a resolution sort of thing. I have a goal to continue with my healthy habits in order to take care of the body god's given me AND it wouldn't hurt to feel good in a swimsuit when I fulfill my promise to my daughter to take her back to Schliterbahn this summer.

There's so much other stuff on my mind too.

I want to get my finances in order so I can honor God with what he's entrusted me. I've been tithing for a few months now and I don't even really notice. I want to be able to go above and beyond and test my faith but feel I need to get a handle on where I'm at so I can give responsibly and abundantly.

I want to be active! I want to ride my bike through memorial park. I want to check out the quirky shops in the montrose area. I want to get out and live.

I want to breakout of my comfort zone and meet friends so I can BE a friend. But I don't want to have just any friends. I pray for companions who are real people with real flaws but have a hunger and thirst that they know can only be quenched by God. I want a girlfriend who is human like me but know of God's abundant love and grace. I pray for God to send someone in my life that is an encourager, a counterpart, trustworthy, safe, compassionate, supportive, and FUN. Someone I can have girls nights and meet up at coffee shops and just hang out and talk about girl stuff! I was hanging out with a dear guy of mine and my brother last week. We were watching the new season of the bachelor. As good a sport as they were, that pretty much sealed it for me. I need a girlfriend. HA

I guess that's where I'll start and leave off for now.

So many dreams... he's already taken me so far but there's so much left unseen.