"these-stupid-pregnancy-hormones-are-making-me-crazy-and-mean"

This is so my reality right now. I feel soooo sorry for Curtis. I really do. I have no idea what to do about it. Do you!?!? I hate feeling like this. Haaaaaate! Which of course doesn't help my emotional state any. HA! I would control myself better if I could. Maybe by next year he'll get his wife back and I regain control of my brain and tear ducts. Maybe...


At least I'm not alone (seriously read this link) -
http://www.hisboyscanswim.com/1816/these-stupid-pregnancy-hormones-are-making-me-crazy-and-mean

I mean seriously! I've asked God what he was thinking allowing a newly married couple who haven't even been together a year, who are still trying to figure each other out mind you, to go and get pregnant. I don't think God minds me asking. He may decide to not give me a clear answer but I'm still asking. He's my daddy God. I can ask him things. OH and then while we're at it, lets go ahead and sprinkle a dash of adorable, attached to her momma little 6 year old to the mix and BAM you have the perfect recipe for COMPLICATED!

And frodgin' HARD!

So you want to know what's going on in the world of Frodge!?!

She-Frodge is drinking tall glasses of self-haterade, crying for hours on end over who knows what, and nagging her husband to make it all better (cuz yeah, you know THAT method works so well).

Man-Frodge is (from she-frodge's POV) at times like a doc working in a trauma center just trying to stop the bleeding and other times like a deer in the headlights wondering what the heck he got himself into and how and the world can he best navigate [insert mysterious makes no sense situation] to 1. be the best husband he can possibly be and 2. not make it worse than it already is.

The Cookie - She's probably the most well adjusted out of all of us and for the most part, seems to be going with the flow. THANK YOU JESUS.

So, not surprisingly, thanks to God and his providential ways, I'm studying this week the topic of suffering to teach to a group of high schoolers this coming Sunday. (Side note: Studying the topic of suffering really puts a spotlight on ones suffering. JS'n...) Anyhoo, one thing that has really stood out in my studying is that suffering is to teach me to trust in God, to rely on HIM and not on myself.

2 Corinthians 1:8b-9
"For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead."

I'm not quite to the point of wanting to DIE but I can completely relate to that passage. I mean dang dood I'm such a control freak! I seriously am. And guess what - I have NO control over my emotions right now and frankly that pisses me off. I seriously want to throw a fit. I - ME- I want to FIX ME and I CAN'T.

I was gently reminded through my studies that I was doing it again. Controlling. It's my thing. It's tied to my other thing perfectionism (but I digress) The convo went something like this -

Soft Voice - "You're doing it again..."
Me - "DANGIT"
SV - "Rely on me, not on yourself"
Me - "GAH"
SV - "Stop trying to control. Look at those knuckles of yours, they're white you're holding on so tight"
Me - "Ouch. Yeah... I know :-( I hate myself. When am I ever going to learn?!?! *cry cry cry*"
SV - "If you had it all figured out you wouldn't need me."
Me - "That ain't no lie! Because I DEFINITELY don't have it figured out"
SV - "Stop insulting yourself. You're my creation. When you insult you, you insult me. I'm perfect. I don't make mistakes. I made you. Therefore..."
Me - "Therefore, even if I have a hard time seeing it, there are redeeming qualities about me that are lovable because you made me in your image and you are very lovable"
SV - "Exactly. My love for you is deeper and greater and stronger and more perfect than you can fully comprehend"
Me - "I bet it's a little like how much, as a parent, I love Brooke."
SV - "I kinda designed it like that..."
Me - "You loved me before I loved you. You pursued me while I was defiantly spitting in your face. You made me your bride. Why would you choose me!?!"
SV - "Because I love you."
Me - "But why!?!? I mess up ALL the time! You could have done so much better :o/"
SV - "Because I love you."
Me - "....."
SV - "Christie I love you. I love you when you yell at your husband. I love you when you curse because you're so angry. I love you when nag and control and manipulate and fail and fall down and when you push me away and when you run into my arms and when you let me help you and when you block me out. I love you when you're pregnant and feeling crazy and when you're not. I love you when you're 20 lbs heavier than your norm and when you're having a skinny day. I love you when you're at your best and when you're at your worst. Christie I love you. I desire you. I've pursued you. I've made you my bride. Christie I DIED for you so that we could be reconciled. Let me love you. Stop looking to people and things to meet your needs. I'M all you need."
Me - "You're all I need when I feel alone?
SV - "Yes."
Me - "You're all I need when I feel rejected?"
SV - "Yes."
Me - "You're all I need when I'm scared?
SV - "Yes."
Me - "You're all I need when I'm overwhelmed?
SV - "Yes."
Me - "Even when I fail? Because Lord you know that I know how to epic fail. Seriously."
SV - "Nothing surprises me Christie. I know all things remember? And yes, even when you epic fail."
Me - "I mean I KNOW the truth. I KNOW the answer. I BELIEVE God. Please help my unbelief..."
SV - "I love you Christie. You can rely on me."
Me - "Thank you for not giving up on me."
SV - "Never."
Me - "I really do love you."
SV - "I know."
Me - "Please help me to love you well? Please help me to trust you?"
SV - "Of course."
Me - "Please help me to be a better wife and mom?"
SV - "I already am..."
Me - "I'm really sorry."
SV - "I've already forgiven you."
Me - "Thanks for loving me enough to wanting to make me better, make me more like you."
SV - "That's what I do."
Me - "I love you."
SV - "I love you too."

Or something like that...

I learn a lot when I'm supposed to be teaching others. He's funny like that...

I'm still crazy and you could bring me to a party and have me perform the super neat trick of crying on cue for the evening's entertainment but at least I'm a loved crazed pregnant lady who knows that she can rely on her Savior to fill in the broken parts (and therefore maybe nag her hubs a little less).

I doubt this will spare the man-frodge from all my crazed emotional leaky ways, but I'm really going to work diligently to RELY on God in those moments and not on the hubster. And I'm going to pray. Even if my prayers sound like weird skitzo conversations with myself dangit I'm going to pray. I may not be able to fix it but I can rely on the One who can. And then, at least I'm doing something about it :o)

Confessions...

Have you met my husband?

It’s a shame if you haven’t. He’s an amazing man. He willingly and lovingly took on an intense emotional woman with a past and scars to prove it. He willingly and lovingly took on a 5 (now 6) year old little girl having had little experience with kiddos much less GIRL kiddos.

To be honest, and I hope I’m not calling him out in a disrespectful way here, but I think he has a lot of insecurities when it comes to being my husband and Brooke’s stepdad. To be EVEN MORE honest, I haven’t done the best job of helping him feel more secure and valued.

The truth is though, I value and appreciate the snot out of that man (we have the snot rags to prove it. he’s been kind of sick lately.) but I realize that if my endearing thoughts only stay in my head and all he hears is complaints and criticism then how is he ever going to know?

And how is BROOKE ever going to know?!?

One of the things I desperately want Brooke to learn from me is how to be a wife that loves Jesus and loves and respects her husband.

I’m confessing now that I haven’t been that wife. I confess that when I argue with and contradict Curtis in front of Brooke, I’m not only disrespecting him, but I’m teaching my daughter one of the very things I would NOT want her emulating!

Of course God gave me my own mind, thoughts, personality, feelings, and convictions. God gave me a voice. I want Brooke to know she has those things too. Respecting Curtis does NOT mean I turn into some flimsy door mat for Curtis to control and walk all over (nor do I think Curtis would actually do that). What it does mean is that I ALLOW Curtis to lead us rather than choke-holding a situation fearful of losing control because I think I know what’s best.

I CANNOT model for Brooke the design God has for marriage if Curtis and I don’t play our different but equally important parts! Right now, I think I’m the obstacle making it hard for that to happen.

It’s funny how much prep-work a person can put into preparing themselves for marriage and then how hard it is to actually BE married and try put in to practice what you’ve learned.

So often I do the things I don’t want to do and don’t do the things I do.

The natural question is why?

After a lot of thought, I believe for me it boils down to a lack of trust. I have a lack of trust in Curtis that he’ll love my daughter in just the way she needs to be loved. And… since I’m being honest… lack of trust in God’s sovereignty (that ultimately God is in control).

As a result, I take on God’s role. I control. I take it upon myself to be the sole protector of Brooke as if I am THE most qualified parent and left to any other person (namely Curtis) they would royally screw up my kid. You and I both know that’s not true but I think that’s how I act and it’s probably how I make Curtis feel…

Prideful much??

I realized last night that if I always take the lead with Brooke what I once thought was protection is actually modeling for her that I have a place of authority over my husband and may actually lead Brooke to believe that Curtis doesn’t care about her, especially once we have another child and Curtis has a definite leader role over baby Frodge.

I obviously have an ex-husband, who but by God’s grace I get along with very well and co-parent with awesomely. I don’t think Curtis should replace him (nor does Curtis). I originally thought “Brooke already has two strong parents in her life, she doesn’t need another. Curtis needs to concentrate on being Brooke’s friend and loving her.”

But how well are we loving Brooke if we’re teaching her that I have authority over Curtis and inadvertently showing her that Curtis doesn’t care what she does??

Really, what I’m talking about here is not a drastic change in our family dynamic. It’s a heart change for me. It’s not Curtis assuming the role of “Captain Corrector!” and dishing out corrections and consequences every day. It’s me relinquishing control and RESPECTING the leadership role my husband should be playing in our family. Does that make sense?

Call me old school if you will. But deep down I really do think I trust God and he says this is how our family should be architected. It’s his design. He’s my daddy God! He’s looking out for me! I want to start ACTING like I trust in him and his word.

Curtis pointed out to me last night that I have taken the lead on Brooke pretty much her entire life. He’s absolutely correct. I did it in my first marriage. I did not allow my ex to lead us. I controlled. I disrespected him. I undermined him. I failed in that marriage oh let me count the ways! I DO NOT want to repeat the same mistakes with Curtis. I am sorry for my past mistakes. I am so sorry for my failures. I am so so so sorry for my contribution in the demise of my first marriage. I cannot ignore the past though. I HAVE to learn from it.

So here’s the truth –

God has a role for Curtis to play and I have been interfering with him taking on his role.

God loves my child more than I do. (What an amazing thought!) Brooke doesn’t need perfect parents. She needs parents that point her to Jesus so she knows when her parents inevitably screw up she is still safe, secure, wanted, valued, known, loved, and cherished by the God who made the universe. By a God who will never leave her, never forsake her, and NEVER let her down!

My fear that Curtis is going to mess up as a husband and father is completely founded but I shouldn’t be afraid of that. He’s human for heaven’s sake! That’s what we do! BUT God is sovereign! Ultimately, God has promised to meet all of Brooke’s needs and it’s not as if I’m relinquishing the leadership of our family to some monster! I’m placing it in the rightful hands of a man that loves Jesus! What that means is I can trust that Curtis will seek God in all that he does and that his top priority (other than loving God) is to love me and love Brooke!

And when he fails? We talk. We live and learn. I offer grace. I forgive. I offer mercy. I show kindness. I encourage. I am patient.

I do what Jesus does for me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

God give me the strength to be the wife you’ve called me to be because right now I don’t know why Curtis even puts up with me. Out of fear, I suck at being merciful, kind, and encouraging to him, the very man who I should be able to trust the very most. Help me not to be the leader in our family, especially when it comes to Brooke. Help me to trust. I believe you have our family, specifically Brooke, in your hands Lord, please help my unbelief…