I'm in love!

I've been journaling since May in a little leather journal that I carry around with me. Just me and God and an old fashioned pen and paper. But God has been doing such amazing things in my life that I feel that its time for me to share a bit of what's been going on.


I have been truly changing over the last year and a half.



The old me -


sought security and validation from people
thought I had to compromise who I was to fulfill my needs
thought I needed to protect myself and my heart
thought that my past made me "damaged goods"
didn't know how to 'see' an invisible God
was afraid to be alone
didn't know the truth of who I was in Christ
thought I was undeserving
sought to have my needs and expectations met from those around me
tried to earn grace
had an unhealthy fear of failure
didn't understand God's justice
held on so tightly to my life only to watch it crumble around me


But there has been a beautiful change inside of me.



Change that could only happen by a loving, oh so patient Savior, steadily pursuing me as if my love towards Him was worth some value! A change so radical, that what I once thought to be so true and so sure has been replaced by the REAL truth of who I am and who God says He is.


The new me KNOWS now that -


I can find my security in Him because "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. (Col 1:17)

See my needs haven't changed at all. I still need the same thing. I'm just looking to the ONE thing that NEVER changes and has promised to meet ALL my needs for fulfilment.

I have chosen to let God meet my needs in the ways He sees best, not in the ways in which I WANT to see things done. I have decided to trust Him and look to Him for my source of


contentment
joy
and security

instead of looking to circumstances or to other people.

I have chosen to release others from my expectations. I make the choice to trust in God's loving and merciful character, KNOWING that He is working all circumstances in my life for His good and that He will provide my every need in HIS time in HIS way.

I have made the choice to release others from the responsibility to meet my needs for love an acceptance and choose to trust in Jesus alone as the only one who can truly meet ALL my needs.

I have given God permission to change my feelings according to His time and His schedule.

Knowing that He has plans for me, that He has given me a future, and hope (Jer 29:11-12) I have FINALLY asked Him what HE wants me to dream!

Oh it hasn't always been easy but in the times of doubt and my tendency to not want to believe, I hold true to what He has shown me and pray that he helps my unbelief (Mark 9:24) Amazingly He does :o)


It's a process that I'm going through. A journey, not a race, of daily renewing my mind (Romans 12:2)

Knowing that when I stumble and when I fall, I can count my failures and trials but a blessing because it's in only in my weakness can I be strong (2 Cor 12:7-10)


Even being a Christian "all my life" I know I was truly truly dead before but by His glorious grace and His undeserved love towards me I am no longer dead inside but alive through HIM and Him alone (Col 2: 13-14)

I no longer look back at my past and think it somehow dictates my future. My mind is reaching towards the goal and no longer looking behind (Phil 3: 12-15)

Because you know what?!

The truth is the truth!

And the truth is freeing.


I am so free!

And justice! Oh his beautiful justice! I didn't understand it before! If God is just then I should get what I deserve right?? And God knows I don't deserve anything good! But again, thanks to my oh so patient and pursuant God I know now that the cross is my justice for the terrible things I've done and that I'm going to do. He loves me soooo much. OH how He loves me! He loves me so much that He punished his son instead of me because He is just and some penalty HAD to be paid!


Amazing!

What's even more amazing is the blatant presence He's had in my life, especially within the last week.

I've been going through some struggles and trials lately. I suppose I'm no different than anyone else in the world...

I was talking to my small group leader Cindy on 8/25. I had mentioned something, I don't even know what now, but her response really struck home with me. She said "Christie, I don't know how to explain it. I just know that if you seek Him... it's like something snaps and a window opens up and all of a sudden things start to become clear and you see!"

Well I didn't totally understand but I did understand 'seek' so that's what I did. I started seeking like I never sought before. I was so heavily burdened that I felt as if I stopped seeking that I couldn't carry the weight. I was having headaches, no appetite, I was anxious... but I knew the truth. I knew to not fret or have anxiety about anything but in EVERY circumstance, and in everything though prayer and petition with thanksgiving... I was to come to Him. (Phil 4:6)

So that's what I did.

The next night the youth group meet up at Creek high school to walk and pray over the students, staff, and campus for the school year. I talked to one of my girls, Alie, who was heavily burdened. In my attempt to encourage her I was reminded of 2 Corinthians and that we need to cast down imaginations (lies) and every thought that exalts itself against the knowledge of God (the things we know are not true and contrary to what God says) and bring captive EVERY thought to the obedience of Christ.

I've known that scripture for a long time. It was planted in me long ago and was something Alie and I both needed in that moment.

The next day at work was a tough one. It was a very emotional day and I was completely drained but I kept seeking. That night Brooke and I went to redbox and I rented Joyce Meyer's "Battlefield of the Mind." (My small group leader Donna had actually recommend the book early in our study. Had she not mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have known what the video was and subsequently rented it)

When I got home that night I was worn out and drained. I put Brooke to bed and started watching. What ensued was true hopeful restorative conviction!

I learned I can not be powerful and pitiful at the same time.

I was reaffirmed for the second time by Joyce's segment focusing on the very same passage I had shared with Alie the night before, that I could control my thoughts. That I need to speak the truth over my life. That I cannot think a lie and speak the truth at the same time. So my weapon for heading off the lies I've been told and that I'm often reminded of was to speak the truth!

What's the truth? Well, the only way I know if the devil is lying to me if I know the word. Simple as that.

I was convicted of my tendency to reason and over analyze things! Wow that was a wake up call! I learned that reason causes confusion and that I can't get confused if I don't try and figure stuff out! ;o) That doesn't mean I don't think! Just that the minute I start getting confused I need to back off because God is NOT the author of confusion but of my peace. My mind is not to be passive though... I can't combat negative thoughts without replacing them with something else or the next bad thing will just try and creep in!

Amazing evening. I went to bed convicted and hopeful. I woke up the next morning and came to work feeling joy. I was keenly aware that my circumstances hadn't changed. I had changed. :o)

Instead of thinking I was and feeling defeated I KNEW that God loves me. That I am forgiven. That my heart is right. That I am anointed. That hey, I may not do everything right but I don't do everything wrong either! And I a may not be exactly where I need to be but I am NOT where I was! :-D

Then, for a third time I am reminded of 2 Cor and casting down imaginations as my mom sent me a message quoting that scripture wondering if I was doing alright.

I was more than alright. I read her message and just laughed to myself. "Ok God! I hear you! Thanks for being obvious!" :o)

Still renewing my mind, seeking him while I worked, I received and email from a coworker asking me to remove the lock from 2 document containers that were located in the software I support.

The thing about removing the lock is only me, one other coworker, and the person who locked the container can actually see the "in work" container that is created when the file is "checked out" (locked). So when my coworker asked me to unlock the container she saw one thing. When I did a search and located the locked version I saw another. Her version had an excel spreadsheet in it. The "in work" version had an odd pdf file entitled "Girl, look at you."

I found this to be a bit odd. What would "Girl, look at you" have to do with an Acceptance Data Package for NASA hardware? So of course I open the file and this is what I see -

Girl, just look at you, with your pretty self. You are so beautiful! Not only are you beautiful, but you have the nerve to be talented and gifted by God. Hold your head up Girl and know that you are loved and appreciated. Don’t give the enemy any place to cause you to have low self-esteem or doubt. You are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made. This is your year to decree it and speak it! This is the year of new beginnings. So get your step on Girl, because God is faithful to perform all that He has promised to you! Be confident in Him and His word. The words you speak from your mouth determine your outcome. Why not speak good and positive things over your life Girl? You are not defeated but rather you are more than a conqueror. You have been through a lot in your life and look at you now, just as pretty and as strong as ever! Oh, how blessed you are. Look what God has done and look where He has brought you from. Begin to bless God and praise Him for all that He has done, and for making you so beautiful! He had you in His precious hands all the time. Your life is orchestrated by Him. He knows you and what is best for you. Believe that He has even greater things in store for you and your family. Girl, get over the silly stuff and grab hold of faith. Seek God as never before. Sure, times are hard, but God is Good! Learn to love who He has made you to be. There is no one like YOU.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!

I sat at my desk with tears in my eyes just laughing. This was CRAZY!


I showed my friend Jonna exactly what was going on and she too was amazed. (She's my witness!)

I saved the file to my computer and printed a copy knowing that as soon as I undid the lock the file would disappear and there would be no history of "Girl, look at you" ever existing.


As if I had any doubt that I serve a God that is alive, well, and here with me all the time no matter what, He went on to amaze me further.

When I chose the option on the screen to "undo the checkout" I got an error message saying something along the lines of "This file doesn't exist"

Now that's odd... Toni is out of the office. Julie is at the beach... No one else would know or even be able to unlock this file...

I redid my search for the locked version it was GONE. The file had been "checked in" and I had NOT done it.

No one had! But Jonna and Kathie as my witness, that thing was checked out and the file was there where an Acceptance Data Package should have been.


AMAZING.

I am humbled. I am amazed. I hear you God loud and clear and I love you!

When I was in high school Jars of Clay was one of my favorite bands. One song, "Love Song for a Savior" was one of my favorites. I actually heard it on the radio driving into work this morning and for the first time I feel like the window is open, that my eyes can see, that my ears can hear! I am in love with my God!

...Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,
"I want to fall in love with You"...

Who am I now?!?


I am thankful. I am renewed. I am blessed I have JOY!!!! and I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ IN me. The life which I now live in the flesh, I live by FAITH in the Son of God who loves me... (Gal 2:20)

Thank you Jesus.

end of me

I was the one to call the shots
Dream-eyed dreams, heart and soul
Answered only to myself
Never giving up control
Until the one day that brought me to my knees
And I would never be the same

Chorus:
Once upon a time the story goes
I laid it all down and let it go
To lose it all To lose it all
Took a step of faith and said goodbye
And everything I had I left behind
To find true life
When all I longed for I found finally
At the end of me

And now gone is wasted days
The selfish soul, the emptiness
Love had dimly been replaced
That old life is laid to rest
And now the new me is stronger day by day
I will never be the same

Bridge:
And like an answer to a prayer
Jesus you were there
Calling me to live to die to give to gain
And I'll never be the same

why does the end of me still hurt so bad?

Seriously?

I don't believe you can call yourself changed until others can recognize the change.

I think it might start with you recognizing something you want to modify in yourself but it doesn't solidify until it can be validated.

Don't go looking unless you're prepared for what you might find right?

What is there to hold on to? Will I ever completely let go?

I don't even want that anymore! It was bad. It was painful. It was pointless.

It broke me. It devalued me. It made me see myself as something less than what I am.

Ah but why try to explain? It wouldn't make a difference.

I love you but...

"it was all a lie"
"you never supported me"
"i'm tired of trying"
"i don't believe i abused you"
"i'm tired of you making me feel like a horrible person"
"i'm tired of being compared"
"if i changed it wouldn't make a difference to you"
"you don't even care what upsets me"

His actions broke me.

The "why" isn't as important as the simple ACKNOWLEDGEMENT that it happened.

OWN IT

Regardless of my own faults and failures, or maybe because of them, I don't know how to make every betrayal, every rejection, every lie not matter any more.

make.it.stop.

Who's that girl?

I have bangs. I didn't realize I had bangs. I always sweep them to the side or pull them up but this week, inspired by my daughters new hair cut, I discovered I have bangs too!

and I like them!

I haven't had bangs since high school.

I find me having bangs to be rather fitting. I'm 30 but I find that as I rediscover who I lost over the last 12 years this "new" girl isn't so new, just the one I left behind in high school.

The girl in high school had a passion and commitment for God. She was happy, active, and playful. That girl actually stood up for herself and went after what she wanted. That's who I'm rediscovering. That's who I want to be. Her, but wiser :o)

New Beginnings

I have so many dreams. I have goals galore. To be able to dream after the last year gives me hope. Hope because I have dreams that are burning in my heart so intensely that I believe they're not just MY dreams. I believe the loving God that I serve has dreams and desires for me too. That he has given me a future and hope and that he wishes me peace.

It's been so long since my life has just been... calm...

I'm afraid that I still have a lot to go through before things really calm down but I hope and pray for that day. The impatient side of me hopes and prays that it comes soon... like yesterday!

I've been embarking on a scary treacherous journey for the last year. I've grown soooo much yet I often find myself back at square one relearning things I've already known. Oh how God is patient!

Although my life has changed in so many ways over the last year I feel like I've reached a new milestone and that this is my new-NEW start. The irony of this new start is that its commencing at the beginning of a new year, but really, the new year doesn't have too much to do with it. It just happens to be where I am in this trek. Trek being the keyword... I believe that God has a lot in store for me this year but I don't necessarily think 2009 is where it'll all happen.

Although I'll admit, I'm ready for my dreams to happen. I'm ready to get them out of my head and heart and see them as reality.

One dream/goal I've had for years is to work with high school youth. I think after the things I've been through I have a real story to tell. It's a story of how even good girls can slip up. A story of how growing up knowing about Jesus was a wonderful foundation but until I realized (and messed up bad enough) that I NEEDED God's wonderful grace, mercy, and compassion. That's when I finally "got it."

By the fall of this year I want to be leading my own group of freshman girls within my church's youth group. I've started laying the foundation. I'm getting involved. I'm already a greeter for the youth but I'm chomping at the bit PRAYING that I'm used in a more influential capacity before fall.

I hope and pray for my life to be restored. I learned my lesson the hard way by trying to control my own path and where I am now is the consequences of those choices. I thought I had what I wanted... The nuclear home with the husband, daughter, house, and dog. But having to walk away from all but the daughter in order to save myself (and her)... well the reality of that broken dream broke me.

Sometimes we need to fall flat on our face before we allow God to pick us up, dust us off, and clean up our mess. I believe that the pain will all be worth while if I hold on to the promise of what's at the end of the refiner's fire.

I long for and dream for the day this part of my life has been refined. I still dream of a husband, home, and especially at least one more child of my own. My eyes well up as my heart aches for that day. I've tried it my way. Now I KNOW, not just "know," that waiting for his hand in my future is the way it has to be. I'm still admittedly struggle with getting in my own way. It's a process that I'm constantly learning, accepting that I'll never know it all.

Speaking of never knowing it all. My church is reading through the bible this year and I have adopted the task as my own personal goal. So far I'm right on track and learning so much. I wondered why I had never done tried this before and I guess its because I didn't know where to start. I'm following the plan on my church's site http://www.gettingthebible.com/ and with a plan in place I'm able to look forward to my quiet time every night. It has allowed me to be a great example to my daughter. I got her Sheila Walsh's God's Little Princess Devotional and every night we read her story then she "reads" to herself while I do my reading. Sometimes I'll even read what I'm reading to her but without pictures her attention span runs out rather quickly.

I have another goal for my short-term future. I love taking photos. I'm surprised my child doesn't suffer from flash burn. Now that Ive graduated from UHCL (read: I no longer find myself monopolized by homework) I plan to take a leisure photo class to teach me about lighting and such. I love the 365's I've been stalking and I've decided to start my own. I don't know what all God has in store for me but I can't wait to look back through photos to see where he's taken me. I'm all for practice makes perfect and can only hope it'll improve my photography skills.

I'm feeling rather ambitious and even thinking about doing a 365 for my daughter. Not OF my daughter but FOR my daughter. Brooke just turned 4 this past New Years Eve and she got a real digital camera for her birthday. She has the photo bug like her momma and takes photos all the time. It is so cool to see the world through a 4 year old's eyes. As long as it stays fun I'm going to try and post a pic a day from the perspective of Brooke.

My best friend gave me a gym membership to a local gym that I would not have been able to afford had it not been a gift. I started taking better care of myself before the new year so this isn't a resolution sort of thing. I have a goal to continue with my healthy habits in order to take care of the body god's given me AND it wouldn't hurt to feel good in a swimsuit when I fulfill my promise to my daughter to take her back to Schliterbahn this summer.

There's so much other stuff on my mind too.

I want to get my finances in order so I can honor God with what he's entrusted me. I've been tithing for a few months now and I don't even really notice. I want to be able to go above and beyond and test my faith but feel I need to get a handle on where I'm at so I can give responsibly and abundantly.

I want to be active! I want to ride my bike through memorial park. I want to check out the quirky shops in the montrose area. I want to get out and live.

I want to breakout of my comfort zone and meet friends so I can BE a friend. But I don't want to have just any friends. I pray for companions who are real people with real flaws but have a hunger and thirst that they know can only be quenched by God. I want a girlfriend who is human like me but know of God's abundant love and grace. I pray for God to send someone in my life that is an encourager, a counterpart, trustworthy, safe, compassionate, supportive, and FUN. Someone I can have girls nights and meet up at coffee shops and just hang out and talk about girl stuff! I was hanging out with a dear guy of mine and my brother last week. We were watching the new season of the bachelor. As good a sport as they were, that pretty much sealed it for me. I need a girlfriend. HA

I guess that's where I'll start and leave off for now.

So many dreams... he's already taken me so far but there's so much left unseen.