I'm going to Boston!!!

Yay!

Everything worked out :o)

He's faithful, even in the little things.

And I'd like to add, I think this one can be categorized as a small miracle. The government resubmitted AND approved travel that wasn't entered into the system until after 3:30 on a FRIDAY.

amazing ;o)

Please come to boston...

Today is Friday. I'm supposed to go to Boston on Sunday (for work) but it seems semantics and government bull may get in the way.

I'm so frustrated and angry which is stupid because this is totally outside of anything within my control which in turn makes me frustrated and angry with myself.

You know, I have a good job, there are even times I like what I do but geez louise working within the government is getting SO OLD!

I have no proof that its any better in private industry but I'm thinking so.

and OMG communicating with someone whose english is their second language makes me want to pull my hair out.

I wonder if PTC is hiring ;o)

Lets talk about Boston for a little bit.

I heart Boston, the architecture, the history, the food, even the cold weather. I love new england in general but I think my personality might be a bit too southern to fit in up there long term.

I really hope things work out and I end up going. The meeting that I'm going up there for is really important to me and I was looking forward resolving certain issues and to getting answers to specific questions that I've been wondering about for a long time.

I was also looking forward to getting away. No work trip is all work ya know? There's at least 1 night I can expect to go into the city and just going on a trip in general is fun for me. I LOVE to travel. I traveled at least 6 times last year. (Twice to Georgia, twice to Boston, once to Long Beach, and once to Dallas). I could have gone more but ran out of year. You know, I've always wanted to travel regularly just never really had the opportunity until the last year or so.

sigh

Psalm 20 1-4
In times of trouble, may the Lord answer your cry. May the name of the God of Jacob keep you safe from all harm. May he send you help from his sanctuary and strengthen you from Jerusalem. May he remember all your gifts and look favorably on your burnt offerings. May he grant your heart’s desires and make all your plans succeed.

But if my plans aren't his plans then I pray I let them go, knowing that whatever he has planned is exceedingly and abundantly better no matter how big or small. And you know what, if someone is creating this obstacle then I know that God is big enough to move it if he wants to.

Jeremiah 29: 11-14
I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. "When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I'll listen. "When you come looking for me, you'll find me. "Yes, when you get serious about finding me and want it more than anything else, I'll make sure you won't be disappointed." God's Decree. "I'll turn things around for you.

So God knows what I want, he knows what MY heart desires, and in this particular situation there is seriously nothing I can do to make it happen. It's completely out of my hands so...

I'm letting it go. It's out of my control. It's up to him.

Ecclesiastes 3: 14-15
I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear. Whatever was, is. Whatever will be, is. That's how it always is with God.

How wonderful to serve such an involved and caring God who will take care of the littlest things, even if his way of taking care of it is to say no.

or maybe the answer will be yes?

Who knows right now, and I'm ok with that. :o)

The perpetual student

I'm a perpetual student. Shoot it took me 12 years to get my bachelors degree! I don't know what it's like to NOT be in school. I was just saying last night that I'm really enjoying reading through the bible because through my supplemental reference material I'm learning so much history. I feel like I'm studying again, except this time there are no tests and I'm enjoying the material. :o)

Additionally, I'm trying to teach myself about digital photography. As I do my 365 I find that I want more control than the standard settings but don't know what I need to override in order to get the result I have pictured in my head. Also, sometimes time doesn't allow for a whole lot of creativity so it would be nice if even the simple "say cheese" shots were rich, crisp, and vibrant. Today I learned about ISO settings. Did you know that a lower ISO setting allows for a longer exposure which allows more light into your picture but you have to be very very still and careful or your picture turns out fuzzy? A higher ISO setting has a very quick exposure but if set too high can create "noise" in your image. Looking at some of my pictures, this explains a lot!

I'm going to try and learn something new about digital photography every week. As a result, I'm hoping my 365 shots will reflect my progress.

I think I might have too many goals...

Do Over

You ever have one of those days you wish you could just do over? I'm having a do over day.

Every day is a day the Lord has made, so I guess I should rejoice and be glad. I'm sure he's there throughout the mess, in the middle of the frustration and stress.

Tomorrow is a new day, yesterday will be gone and if you're like me a little hope, coffee, and a melody have their way of turning things around. mmmm Starbucks. It's an unhealthy obsession really.

It's just been one of those days where everything I seemed to touch or attempt to do didn't work or got worse.

Just frustrating.

Fortunately the work day is almost over and this evening will be spent with my daughter going to dinner and church.

That's gotta be an improvement!

God, yer so funny

Pictured: My brother matt

Wow, just wow
On the 12th I blogged about volunteering and friends.

Within a week I've seen answers to TWO of my prayers.

Last Friday I had a girls night out with an old friend who had emailed me on the 13th wanting to know if I wanted to get together for a girls night. See here. I haven't had girl time in what feels like FOR EV ER. It was a great evening and I look forward to more.

Then, as if that weren't enough, today at work I got an email from the volunteer coordinator for the youth group at my church.

"Hey Christie,

I have some new opportunities I would like to discuss with you. When you have a chance, can you call me? Thanks Mitzi"

So I gave her a call. I'm so excited to report that I've been offered TWO new opportunities. The first involves youth offering. An opportunity I'm excited and grateful for but I'm honestly more excited about the second. I've been invited to participate in MPACT weekend in March. I thought direct interaction with the teens was reserved for small group leaders, which I'm not yet, so to be asked to participate... it was surprising!

To be honest, after last Sunday volunteering as a greeter for the youth, feeling like the youth couldn't care less if I was standing there telling them good morning... I didn't know what to do. I was rather deflated and discouraged. Last Saturday night I was sitting at Starbucks having my quiet time and I saw a couple there with Young Life shirts on. After Sunday I was even pondering the thought of volunteering with the Young Life organization thinking that maybe I that's where I was supposed to be! Oh me of little faith!

I feel so grateful that God doesn't require perfection to be a vessel. In fact, stick a candled in a cracked pot and I bet it shines more light than one that's uncracked. The bible is full of messed up, goofed up, broken people and despite that AND through that he was still was able to give us a Savior. Old and New Testament alike oooz with God's grace being lavished on unworthy people allowing them to do great things in his name and for his glory.

So very grateful.
I'm so excited to see where he's leading.

Sometimes I feel like Moses with all my little burning bushes and then kick myself when I start questioning and feeling sorry for myself like one of the Isrealites

I just hope I don't end up wandering for the next 40 years ;o)

Seriously?

I don't believe you can call yourself changed until others can recognize the change.

I think it might start with you recognizing something you want to modify in yourself but it doesn't solidify until it can be validated.

Don't go looking unless you're prepared for what you might find right?

What is there to hold on to? Will I ever completely let go?

I don't even want that anymore! It was bad. It was painful. It was pointless.

It broke me. It devalued me. It made me see myself as something less than what I am.

Ah but why try to explain? It wouldn't make a difference.

I love you but...

"it was all a lie"
"you never supported me"
"i'm tired of trying"
"i don't believe i abused you"
"i'm tired of you making me feel like a horrible person"
"i'm tired of being compared"
"if i changed it wouldn't make a difference to you"
"you don't even care what upsets me"

His actions broke me.

The "why" isn't as important as the simple ACKNOWLEDGEMENT that it happened.

OWN IT

Regardless of my own faults and failures, or maybe because of them, I don't know how to make every betrayal, every rejection, every lie not matter any more.

make.it.stop.

Turn you into a goon!

My daughter is a princess. In fact she KNOWS she is a princess. Daily her princess-ness is validated by those who surround her. Every night before she goes to bed I read to her our nightly devotional and again, remind her she's God's little princess. If the child grows up thinking she's anything less than royal, it's not from our lack of trying.

Somehow, and I'm not placing the blame on anyone, I don't think I ever thought of myself as a princess. Especially when it mattered.

If anything I saw myself more as a maidservant than royalty. Wanting so desperately to feel loved, wanted, and cherished I convinced myself that compromise was necessary because prince's are the things of fairytales, not real life.

Even after I thought I found a prince, I would again and again give up pieces of me... things that made me who I was... to have my supposed happily ever after.

I don't want my daughter to make the same fateful mistakes that I made. I know I can't stop her from making bad decisions but if I can at least convince her that she IS royalty as a princess in God's kingdom, then maybe, just maybe she won't settle for anything less than her prince and turn the others into goons.

Its easy to see my precious daughter as deserving nothing but the best but my personal challenge is to realize I'm worthy of the same.

Obviously it's easy for me to say I'm a princess too but when I accepted a marriage proposal that consisted of "I love you but I'm not ready to set a date" and then subsequently found myself in a situation where I'm being told "sometimes I just might need time to myself" I have to admit that there must be a part of me that deep down sees herself as less than royalty.

But damnit I'm a great catch!

I'm funny, I'm attractive, I'm smart, I'm educated, I'm responsible, I'm a great mother, I'm giving, I'm caring, I'm passionate, I'm analytical, I'm creative, I'm a friggin joy to be around!

Some day someone is going to realize this and I won't ever have to worry about being presented with "I love you but..."

Some day someone is going to crave me, miss me, want me, and as crazy as this sounds... some day someone is going to feel so blessed that I'm in their life that even if they don't feel "worthy" they're going to appreciate what they have and want to KEEP me. I won't ever have to hear "you deserve better."

A point I really can't argue because I do deserve better. I'm a princess!


At least I'll keep telling myself until I believe it.

I'm a princess...I'm a princess...I'm a princess...I'm a princess...I'm a princess...I'm a princess...

Who's that girl?

I have bangs. I didn't realize I had bangs. I always sweep them to the side or pull them up but this week, inspired by my daughters new hair cut, I discovered I have bangs too!

and I like them!

I haven't had bangs since high school.

I find me having bangs to be rather fitting. I'm 30 but I find that as I rediscover who I lost over the last 12 years this "new" girl isn't so new, just the one I left behind in high school.

The girl in high school had a passion and commitment for God. She was happy, active, and playful. That girl actually stood up for herself and went after what she wanted. That's who I'm rediscovering. That's who I want to be. Her, but wiser :o)

New Beginnings

I have so many dreams. I have goals galore. To be able to dream after the last year gives me hope. Hope because I have dreams that are burning in my heart so intensely that I believe they're not just MY dreams. I believe the loving God that I serve has dreams and desires for me too. That he has given me a future and hope and that he wishes me peace.

It's been so long since my life has just been... calm...

I'm afraid that I still have a lot to go through before things really calm down but I hope and pray for that day. The impatient side of me hopes and prays that it comes soon... like yesterday!

I've been embarking on a scary treacherous journey for the last year. I've grown soooo much yet I often find myself back at square one relearning things I've already known. Oh how God is patient!

Although my life has changed in so many ways over the last year I feel like I've reached a new milestone and that this is my new-NEW start. The irony of this new start is that its commencing at the beginning of a new year, but really, the new year doesn't have too much to do with it. It just happens to be where I am in this trek. Trek being the keyword... I believe that God has a lot in store for me this year but I don't necessarily think 2009 is where it'll all happen.

Although I'll admit, I'm ready for my dreams to happen. I'm ready to get them out of my head and heart and see them as reality.

One dream/goal I've had for years is to work with high school youth. I think after the things I've been through I have a real story to tell. It's a story of how even good girls can slip up. A story of how growing up knowing about Jesus was a wonderful foundation but until I realized (and messed up bad enough) that I NEEDED God's wonderful grace, mercy, and compassion. That's when I finally "got it."

By the fall of this year I want to be leading my own group of freshman girls within my church's youth group. I've started laying the foundation. I'm getting involved. I'm already a greeter for the youth but I'm chomping at the bit PRAYING that I'm used in a more influential capacity before fall.

I hope and pray for my life to be restored. I learned my lesson the hard way by trying to control my own path and where I am now is the consequences of those choices. I thought I had what I wanted... The nuclear home with the husband, daughter, house, and dog. But having to walk away from all but the daughter in order to save myself (and her)... well the reality of that broken dream broke me.

Sometimes we need to fall flat on our face before we allow God to pick us up, dust us off, and clean up our mess. I believe that the pain will all be worth while if I hold on to the promise of what's at the end of the refiner's fire.

I long for and dream for the day this part of my life has been refined. I still dream of a husband, home, and especially at least one more child of my own. My eyes well up as my heart aches for that day. I've tried it my way. Now I KNOW, not just "know," that waiting for his hand in my future is the way it has to be. I'm still admittedly struggle with getting in my own way. It's a process that I'm constantly learning, accepting that I'll never know it all.

Speaking of never knowing it all. My church is reading through the bible this year and I have adopted the task as my own personal goal. So far I'm right on track and learning so much. I wondered why I had never done tried this before and I guess its because I didn't know where to start. I'm following the plan on my church's site http://www.gettingthebible.com/ and with a plan in place I'm able to look forward to my quiet time every night. It has allowed me to be a great example to my daughter. I got her Sheila Walsh's God's Little Princess Devotional and every night we read her story then she "reads" to herself while I do my reading. Sometimes I'll even read what I'm reading to her but without pictures her attention span runs out rather quickly.

I have another goal for my short-term future. I love taking photos. I'm surprised my child doesn't suffer from flash burn. Now that Ive graduated from UHCL (read: I no longer find myself monopolized by homework) I plan to take a leisure photo class to teach me about lighting and such. I love the 365's I've been stalking and I've decided to start my own. I don't know what all God has in store for me but I can't wait to look back through photos to see where he's taken me. I'm all for practice makes perfect and can only hope it'll improve my photography skills.

I'm feeling rather ambitious and even thinking about doing a 365 for my daughter. Not OF my daughter but FOR my daughter. Brooke just turned 4 this past New Years Eve and she got a real digital camera for her birthday. She has the photo bug like her momma and takes photos all the time. It is so cool to see the world through a 4 year old's eyes. As long as it stays fun I'm going to try and post a pic a day from the perspective of Brooke.

My best friend gave me a gym membership to a local gym that I would not have been able to afford had it not been a gift. I started taking better care of myself before the new year so this isn't a resolution sort of thing. I have a goal to continue with my healthy habits in order to take care of the body god's given me AND it wouldn't hurt to feel good in a swimsuit when I fulfill my promise to my daughter to take her back to Schliterbahn this summer.

There's so much other stuff on my mind too.

I want to get my finances in order so I can honor God with what he's entrusted me. I've been tithing for a few months now and I don't even really notice. I want to be able to go above and beyond and test my faith but feel I need to get a handle on where I'm at so I can give responsibly and abundantly.

I want to be active! I want to ride my bike through memorial park. I want to check out the quirky shops in the montrose area. I want to get out and live.

I want to breakout of my comfort zone and meet friends so I can BE a friend. But I don't want to have just any friends. I pray for companions who are real people with real flaws but have a hunger and thirst that they know can only be quenched by God. I want a girlfriend who is human like me but know of God's abundant love and grace. I pray for God to send someone in my life that is an encourager, a counterpart, trustworthy, safe, compassionate, supportive, and FUN. Someone I can have girls nights and meet up at coffee shops and just hang out and talk about girl stuff! I was hanging out with a dear guy of mine and my brother last week. We were watching the new season of the bachelor. As good a sport as they were, that pretty much sealed it for me. I need a girlfriend. HA

I guess that's where I'll start and leave off for now.

So many dreams... he's already taken me so far but there's so much left unseen.