A future AND hope

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and hope. Then you will call upon me and go and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ~ Jeremiah 29:11-12

I was driving to work this morning thinking about my past and the ways it could effect my future. I actually wondered if the mistakes of my past were too much... if I'll ever have the future I've dreamed of. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to the end and see how everything turns out but I know I'll miss the rewards the journey has to offer along the way.

A big part of me wants to just accept things may not get any better than this. God knows I have plenty to be grateful for. I have many blessings. If I accept what I have and don't hope, then my hope can't be shattered.

But apparently God does want to give me a future AND hope. He wants me to hope!

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. ~ John 10:10:10

So God wants me to have a future, to hope, and to live life abundantly.

But when "the thief" is busy destroying how do you make it stop so you can have the future, the hope, and the abundant life?

Maybe my focus is off again?

My life’s in You

My strength’s in You

My hope’s in You

In You, it’s in You

I will praise You with all of my life

I will praise You with all of my strength

With all of my life

With all of my strength

All of my hope is in You

Maybe if I'm dreaming the wrong thing I should ask for him to change my dreams? I don't want to stop dreaming (hoping).

You'd think as long as I've had these dreams though... well they can't ALL be wrong. right?

Maybe I should have faith. Faith in his promise to give me a future, to give me hope.

Faith that everything will fall into place.

Focus. Trust. Believe. Ask. Pray. Take direction.

Maybe I'm dreaming

In counseling today I mentioned an entry I had written a few weeks back about being a princess.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

Somewhere along the way I lost my crown and I didn't even know it. I'm not sure I can even remember having it.

My counselor told me that Brooke and I need to have our picture taken together dressed as princesses because I needed to actually SEE myself as a princess, to have a physical reference.

I probably will. I'm pretty good at following directions.

and at least I have an idea for a 365 pic now. I'm experiencing a creative lull at the moment.

Anyway... when I tell myself I'm a princess what am I really saying?

I'm saying I want to not just see myself but BE strong, independent, confident, and beautiful. I want to be a person who exudes grace, kindness, and compassion.

I'm saying that even if my tiara gets tilted every once and a while (ok, maybe a lot) and maybe I'm not always those things, I'm still a princess, God's princess, because Christ made me worthy and elevated me to a place of royalty through his death and resurrection.

So with that in mind... as my character is fueled by my gratitude, I want my princess-like qualities to attract a prince. There aren't too many princesses that don't end up with a prince you know. Oh how I want a prince, one of God's princes. I truly do.

I want to be someone who's qualities attract a man that loves me like... like Christ loves his church! A man that makes me feel cherished, admired, liked, enjoyed, and loved. Truly loved. I want to be pursued. I want to be caught and that person not willing to let me go because I'm THAT great to him. I want to be in a relationship where he cares enough about what's good for us, good for him, and good for me to face and follow through on what needs to be changed, no matter how scary, in order to make things right.

Does that even exist?

Drained

You ever have a day filled with too many deep thoughts?

How do you know when you're settling vs being patient?

When does love for another person become unhealthy?

Sitting as a volunteer in the Sr. High service last week I listened as the youth minister preached on relationships that become an obsession. He kept saying that an obsession with someone else results in the loss of yourself. He went on to describe what it means to be "obsessed" with another person.

In hindsight I could see so many "obsessive" behaviors in my marriage and I am a testimony to how prolonged periods of obsessiveness can definitely result in the loss of oneself. Probably the biggest area I saw myself compromise was with my convictions and values.

There are so many reasons I think a lot of women find themselves in "unhealthy" relationships. The relationship may even start that way but all those hormones and butterflies and warm fuzzies may not only mask, but likely perpetuate the problem. What are the factors that ultimately lead to poor judgment?

For myself, there's always been the irrational fear of being alone, of having specific plans and the fear of them not coming to pass (control)... Then of course the fear of failure and the unhealthy desire to avoid conflict in areas where I don't feel safe to speak.

I wonder how many girls, especially Christian girls, grow up with the misconception that as a servant to her husband that she should keep quiet and "just" pray.

I actually had a person in a church tell me that I should be grateful that my husband was at church with me and that I should basically back off and lead through quiet example.

but i digress...

Besides all that fear stuff, for me I found myself wanting to fix, ultimately responsible, thinking that somehow I had any real influence over how I was treated or what mood he was in.

Going back to the whole being alone part... why is it so hard to be completely satisfied knowing that I already have everything I need through my relationship with Christ? I think a lot of girls fill a companion and intimacy shaped hole with a guy. I guy who can leave you and forsake you, instead of the ONE who promised never to.

As I go through this journey rediscovering myself and who I am in Christ I still struggle with not wanting to be alone. I still struggle with the concept that I won't have to compromise who I am to be in the relationship he wants me to have. That's like holy grail-like.

I believe the desperate need to feel loved, cherished, wanted, and desired can lead to ultimate self-destruction if left to our own devices.

Thank God for his grace, patience, and mercy... even more so for his never ending, hole-filling love that can pull us out of those dark places.

I've heard you see what you're looking for. A lot of time I think the thing we need has been there all along but we don't let ourselves see it, or maybe accept it.

This entry is so disjointed and all over the place. It's just been one of those days.