Have you met my husband?
It’s a shame if you haven’t. He’s an amazing man. He willingly and lovingly took on an intense emotional woman with a past and scars to prove it. He willingly and lovingly took on a 5 (now 6) year old little girl having had little experience with kiddos much less GIRL kiddos.
To be honest, and I hope I’m not calling him out in a disrespectful way here, but I think he has a lot of insecurities when it comes to being my husband and Brooke’s stepdad. To be EVEN MORE honest, I haven’t done the best job of helping him feel more secure and valued.
The truth is though, I value and appreciate the snot out of that man (we have the snot rags to prove it. he’s been kind of sick lately.) but I realize that if my endearing thoughts only stay in my head and all he hears is complaints and criticism then how is he ever going to know?
And how is BROOKE ever going to know?!?
One of the things I desperately want Brooke to learn from me is how to be a wife that loves Jesus and loves and respects her husband.
I’m confessing now that I haven’t been that wife. I confess that when I argue with and contradict Curtis in front of Brooke, I’m not only disrespecting him, but I’m teaching my daughter one of the very things I would NOT want her emulating!
Of course God gave me my own mind, thoughts, personality, feelings, and convictions. God gave me a voice. I want Brooke to know she has those things too. Respecting Curtis does NOT mean I turn into some flimsy door mat for Curtis to control and walk all over (nor do I think Curtis would actually do that). What it does mean is that I ALLOW Curtis to lead us rather than choke-holding a situation fearful of losing control because I think I know what’s best.
I CANNOT model for Brooke the design God has for marriage if Curtis and I don’t play our different but equally important parts! Right now, I think I’m the obstacle making it hard for that to happen.
It’s funny how much prep-work a person can put into preparing themselves for marriage and then how hard it is to actually BE married and try put in to practice what you’ve learned.
So often I do the things I don’t want to do and don’t do the things I do.
The natural question is why?
After a lot of thought, I believe for me it boils down to a lack of trust. I have a lack of trust in Curtis that he’ll love my daughter in just the way she needs to be loved. And… since I’m being honest… lack of trust in God’s sovereignty (that ultimately God is in control).
As a result, I take on God’s role. I control. I take it upon myself to be the sole protector of Brooke as if I am THE most qualified parent and left to any other person (namely Curtis) they would royally screw up my kid. You and I both know that’s not true but I think that’s how I act and it’s probably how I make Curtis feel…
Prideful much??
I realized last night that if I always take the lead with Brooke what I once thought was protection is actually modeling for her that I have a place of authority over my husband and may actually lead Brooke to believe that Curtis doesn’t care about her, especially once we have another child and Curtis has a definite leader role over baby Frodge.
I obviously have an ex-husband, who but by God’s grace I get along with very well and co-parent with awesomely. I don’t think Curtis should replace him (nor does Curtis). I originally thought “Brooke already has two strong parents in her life, she doesn’t need another. Curtis needs to concentrate on being Brooke’s friend and loving her.”
But how well are we loving Brooke if we’re teaching her that I have authority over Curtis and inadvertently showing her that Curtis doesn’t care what she does??
Really, what I’m talking about here is not a drastic change in our family dynamic. It’s a heart change for me. It’s not Curtis assuming the role of “Captain Corrector!” and dishing out corrections and consequences every day. It’s me relinquishing control and RESPECTING the leadership role my husband should be playing in our family. Does that make sense?
Call me old school if you will. But deep down I really do think I trust God and he says this is how our family should be architected. It’s his design. He’s my daddy God! He’s looking out for me! I want to start ACTING like I trust in him and his word.
Curtis pointed out to me last night that I have taken the lead on Brooke pretty much her entire life. He’s absolutely correct. I did it in my first marriage. I did not allow my ex to lead us. I controlled. I disrespected him. I undermined him. I failed in that marriage oh let me count the ways! I DO NOT want to repeat the same mistakes with Curtis. I am sorry for my past mistakes. I am so sorry for my failures. I am so so so sorry for my contribution in the demise of my first marriage. I cannot ignore the past though. I HAVE to learn from it.
So here’s the truth –
God has a role for Curtis to play and I have been interfering with him taking on his role.
God loves my child more than I do. (What an amazing thought!) Brooke doesn’t need perfect parents. She needs parents that point her to Jesus so she knows when her parents inevitably screw up she is still safe, secure, wanted, valued, known, loved, and cherished by the God who made the universe. By a God who will never leave her, never forsake her, and NEVER let her down!
My fear that Curtis is going to mess up as a husband and father is completely founded but I shouldn’t be afraid of that. He’s human for heaven’s sake! That’s what we do! BUT God is sovereign! Ultimately, God has promised to meet all of Brooke’s needs and it’s not as if I’m relinquishing the leadership of our family to some monster! I’m placing it in the rightful hands of a man that loves Jesus! What that means is I can trust that Curtis will seek God in all that he does and that his top priority (other than loving God) is to love me and love Brooke!
And when he fails? We talk. We live and learn. I offer grace. I forgive. I offer mercy. I show kindness. I encourage. I am patient.
I do what Jesus does for me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
God give me the strength to be the wife you’ve called me to be because right now I don’t know why Curtis even puts up with me. Out of fear, I suck at being merciful, kind, and encouraging to him, the very man who I should be able to trust the very most. Help me not to be the leader in our family, especially when it comes to Brooke. Help me to trust. I believe you have our family, specifically Brooke, in your hands Lord, please help my unbelief…
It’s a shame if you haven’t. He’s an amazing man. He willingly and lovingly took on an intense emotional woman with a past and scars to prove it. He willingly and lovingly took on a 5 (now 6) year old little girl having had little experience with kiddos much less GIRL kiddos.
To be honest, and I hope I’m not calling him out in a disrespectful way here, but I think he has a lot of insecurities when it comes to being my husband and Brooke’s stepdad. To be EVEN MORE honest, I haven’t done the best job of helping him feel more secure and valued.
The truth is though, I value and appreciate the snot out of that man (we have the snot rags to prove it. he’s been kind of sick lately.) but I realize that if my endearing thoughts only stay in my head and all he hears is complaints and criticism then how is he ever going to know?
And how is BROOKE ever going to know?!?
One of the things I desperately want Brooke to learn from me is how to be a wife that loves Jesus and loves and respects her husband.
I’m confessing now that I haven’t been that wife. I confess that when I argue with and contradict Curtis in front of Brooke, I’m not only disrespecting him, but I’m teaching my daughter one of the very things I would NOT want her emulating!
Of course God gave me my own mind, thoughts, personality, feelings, and convictions. God gave me a voice. I want Brooke to know she has those things too. Respecting Curtis does NOT mean I turn into some flimsy door mat for Curtis to control and walk all over (nor do I think Curtis would actually do that). What it does mean is that I ALLOW Curtis to lead us rather than choke-holding a situation fearful of losing control because I think I know what’s best.
I CANNOT model for Brooke the design God has for marriage if Curtis and I don’t play our different but equally important parts! Right now, I think I’m the obstacle making it hard for that to happen.
It’s funny how much prep-work a person can put into preparing themselves for marriage and then how hard it is to actually BE married and try put in to practice what you’ve learned.
So often I do the things I don’t want to do and don’t do the things I do.
The natural question is why?
After a lot of thought, I believe for me it boils down to a lack of trust. I have a lack of trust in Curtis that he’ll love my daughter in just the way she needs to be loved. And… since I’m being honest… lack of trust in God’s sovereignty (that ultimately God is in control).
As a result, I take on God’s role. I control. I take it upon myself to be the sole protector of Brooke as if I am THE most qualified parent and left to any other person (namely Curtis) they would royally screw up my kid. You and I both know that’s not true but I think that’s how I act and it’s probably how I make Curtis feel…
Prideful much??
I realized last night that if I always take the lead with Brooke what I once thought was protection is actually modeling for her that I have a place of authority over my husband and may actually lead Brooke to believe that Curtis doesn’t care about her, especially once we have another child and Curtis has a definite leader role over baby Frodge.
I obviously have an ex-husband, who but by God’s grace I get along with very well and co-parent with awesomely. I don’t think Curtis should replace him (nor does Curtis). I originally thought “Brooke already has two strong parents in her life, she doesn’t need another. Curtis needs to concentrate on being Brooke’s friend and loving her.”
But how well are we loving Brooke if we’re teaching her that I have authority over Curtis and inadvertently showing her that Curtis doesn’t care what she does??
Really, what I’m talking about here is not a drastic change in our family dynamic. It’s a heart change for me. It’s not Curtis assuming the role of “Captain Corrector!” and dishing out corrections and consequences every day. It’s me relinquishing control and RESPECTING the leadership role my husband should be playing in our family. Does that make sense?
Call me old school if you will. But deep down I really do think I trust God and he says this is how our family should be architected. It’s his design. He’s my daddy God! He’s looking out for me! I want to start ACTING like I trust in him and his word.
Curtis pointed out to me last night that I have taken the lead on Brooke pretty much her entire life. He’s absolutely correct. I did it in my first marriage. I did not allow my ex to lead us. I controlled. I disrespected him. I undermined him. I failed in that marriage oh let me count the ways! I DO NOT want to repeat the same mistakes with Curtis. I am sorry for my past mistakes. I am so sorry for my failures. I am so so so sorry for my contribution in the demise of my first marriage. I cannot ignore the past though. I HAVE to learn from it.
So here’s the truth –
God has a role for Curtis to play and I have been interfering with him taking on his role.
God loves my child more than I do. (What an amazing thought!) Brooke doesn’t need perfect parents. She needs parents that point her to Jesus so she knows when her parents inevitably screw up she is still safe, secure, wanted, valued, known, loved, and cherished by the God who made the universe. By a God who will never leave her, never forsake her, and NEVER let her down!
My fear that Curtis is going to mess up as a husband and father is completely founded but I shouldn’t be afraid of that. He’s human for heaven’s sake! That’s what we do! BUT God is sovereign! Ultimately, God has promised to meet all of Brooke’s needs and it’s not as if I’m relinquishing the leadership of our family to some monster! I’m placing it in the rightful hands of a man that loves Jesus! What that means is I can trust that Curtis will seek God in all that he does and that his top priority (other than loving God) is to love me and love Brooke!
And when he fails? We talk. We live and learn. I offer grace. I forgive. I offer mercy. I show kindness. I encourage. I am patient.
I do what Jesus does for me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.
God give me the strength to be the wife you’ve called me to be because right now I don’t know why Curtis even puts up with me. Out of fear, I suck at being merciful, kind, and encouraging to him, the very man who I should be able to trust the very most. Help me not to be the leader in our family, especially when it comes to Brooke. Help me to trust. I believe you have our family, specifically Brooke, in your hands Lord, please help my unbelief…
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