Drained

You ever have a day filled with too many deep thoughts?

How do you know when you're settling vs being patient?

When does love for another person become unhealthy?

Sitting as a volunteer in the Sr. High service last week I listened as the youth minister preached on relationships that become an obsession. He kept saying that an obsession with someone else results in the loss of yourself. He went on to describe what it means to be "obsessed" with another person.

In hindsight I could see so many "obsessive" behaviors in my marriage and I am a testimony to how prolonged periods of obsessiveness can definitely result in the loss of oneself. Probably the biggest area I saw myself compromise was with my convictions and values.

There are so many reasons I think a lot of women find themselves in "unhealthy" relationships. The relationship may even start that way but all those hormones and butterflies and warm fuzzies may not only mask, but likely perpetuate the problem. What are the factors that ultimately lead to poor judgment?

For myself, there's always been the irrational fear of being alone, of having specific plans and the fear of them not coming to pass (control)... Then of course the fear of failure and the unhealthy desire to avoid conflict in areas where I don't feel safe to speak.

I wonder how many girls, especially Christian girls, grow up with the misconception that as a servant to her husband that she should keep quiet and "just" pray.

I actually had a person in a church tell me that I should be grateful that my husband was at church with me and that I should basically back off and lead through quiet example.

but i digress...

Besides all that fear stuff, for me I found myself wanting to fix, ultimately responsible, thinking that somehow I had any real influence over how I was treated or what mood he was in.

Going back to the whole being alone part... why is it so hard to be completely satisfied knowing that I already have everything I need through my relationship with Christ? I think a lot of girls fill a companion and intimacy shaped hole with a guy. I guy who can leave you and forsake you, instead of the ONE who promised never to.

As I go through this journey rediscovering myself and who I am in Christ I still struggle with not wanting to be alone. I still struggle with the concept that I won't have to compromise who I am to be in the relationship he wants me to have. That's like holy grail-like.

I believe the desperate need to feel loved, cherished, wanted, and desired can lead to ultimate self-destruction if left to our own devices.

Thank God for his grace, patience, and mercy... even more so for his never ending, hole-filling love that can pull us out of those dark places.

I've heard you see what you're looking for. A lot of time I think the thing we need has been there all along but we don't let ourselves see it, or maybe accept it.

This entry is so disjointed and all over the place. It's just been one of those days.