I'm in love!

I've been journaling since May in a little leather journal that I carry around with me. Just me and God and an old fashioned pen and paper. But God has been doing such amazing things in my life that I feel that its time for me to share a bit of what's been going on.


I have been truly changing over the last year and a half.



The old me -


sought security and validation from people
thought I had to compromise who I was to fulfill my needs
thought I needed to protect myself and my heart
thought that my past made me "damaged goods"
didn't know how to 'see' an invisible God
was afraid to be alone
didn't know the truth of who I was in Christ
thought I was undeserving
sought to have my needs and expectations met from those around me
tried to earn grace
had an unhealthy fear of failure
didn't understand God's justice
held on so tightly to my life only to watch it crumble around me


But there has been a beautiful change inside of me.



Change that could only happen by a loving, oh so patient Savior, steadily pursuing me as if my love towards Him was worth some value! A change so radical, that what I once thought to be so true and so sure has been replaced by the REAL truth of who I am and who God says He is.


The new me KNOWS now that -


I can find my security in Him because "He is before all things, and in Him all things hold together. (Col 1:17)

See my needs haven't changed at all. I still need the same thing. I'm just looking to the ONE thing that NEVER changes and has promised to meet ALL my needs for fulfilment.

I have chosen to let God meet my needs in the ways He sees best, not in the ways in which I WANT to see things done. I have decided to trust Him and look to Him for my source of


contentment
joy
and security

instead of looking to circumstances or to other people.

I have chosen to release others from my expectations. I make the choice to trust in God's loving and merciful character, KNOWING that He is working all circumstances in my life for His good and that He will provide my every need in HIS time in HIS way.

I have made the choice to release others from the responsibility to meet my needs for love an acceptance and choose to trust in Jesus alone as the only one who can truly meet ALL my needs.

I have given God permission to change my feelings according to His time and His schedule.

Knowing that He has plans for me, that He has given me a future, and hope (Jer 29:11-12) I have FINALLY asked Him what HE wants me to dream!

Oh it hasn't always been easy but in the times of doubt and my tendency to not want to believe, I hold true to what He has shown me and pray that he helps my unbelief (Mark 9:24) Amazingly He does :o)


It's a process that I'm going through. A journey, not a race, of daily renewing my mind (Romans 12:2)

Knowing that when I stumble and when I fall, I can count my failures and trials but a blessing because it's in only in my weakness can I be strong (2 Cor 12:7-10)


Even being a Christian "all my life" I know I was truly truly dead before but by His glorious grace and His undeserved love towards me I am no longer dead inside but alive through HIM and Him alone (Col 2: 13-14)

I no longer look back at my past and think it somehow dictates my future. My mind is reaching towards the goal and no longer looking behind (Phil 3: 12-15)

Because you know what?!

The truth is the truth!

And the truth is freeing.


I am so free!

And justice! Oh his beautiful justice! I didn't understand it before! If God is just then I should get what I deserve right?? And God knows I don't deserve anything good! But again, thanks to my oh so patient and pursuant God I know now that the cross is my justice for the terrible things I've done and that I'm going to do. He loves me soooo much. OH how He loves me! He loves me so much that He punished his son instead of me because He is just and some penalty HAD to be paid!


Amazing!

What's even more amazing is the blatant presence He's had in my life, especially within the last week.

I've been going through some struggles and trials lately. I suppose I'm no different than anyone else in the world...

I was talking to my small group leader Cindy on 8/25. I had mentioned something, I don't even know what now, but her response really struck home with me. She said "Christie, I don't know how to explain it. I just know that if you seek Him... it's like something snaps and a window opens up and all of a sudden things start to become clear and you see!"

Well I didn't totally understand but I did understand 'seek' so that's what I did. I started seeking like I never sought before. I was so heavily burdened that I felt as if I stopped seeking that I couldn't carry the weight. I was having headaches, no appetite, I was anxious... but I knew the truth. I knew to not fret or have anxiety about anything but in EVERY circumstance, and in everything though prayer and petition with thanksgiving... I was to come to Him. (Phil 4:6)

So that's what I did.

The next night the youth group meet up at Creek high school to walk and pray over the students, staff, and campus for the school year. I talked to one of my girls, Alie, who was heavily burdened. In my attempt to encourage her I was reminded of 2 Corinthians and that we need to cast down imaginations (lies) and every thought that exalts itself against the knowledge of God (the things we know are not true and contrary to what God says) and bring captive EVERY thought to the obedience of Christ.

I've known that scripture for a long time. It was planted in me long ago and was something Alie and I both needed in that moment.

The next day at work was a tough one. It was a very emotional day and I was completely drained but I kept seeking. That night Brooke and I went to redbox and I rented Joyce Meyer's "Battlefield of the Mind." (My small group leader Donna had actually recommend the book early in our study. Had she not mentioned it, I probably wouldn't have known what the video was and subsequently rented it)

When I got home that night I was worn out and drained. I put Brooke to bed and started watching. What ensued was true hopeful restorative conviction!

I learned I can not be powerful and pitiful at the same time.

I was reaffirmed for the second time by Joyce's segment focusing on the very same passage I had shared with Alie the night before, that I could control my thoughts. That I need to speak the truth over my life. That I cannot think a lie and speak the truth at the same time. So my weapon for heading off the lies I've been told and that I'm often reminded of was to speak the truth!

What's the truth? Well, the only way I know if the devil is lying to me if I know the word. Simple as that.

I was convicted of my tendency to reason and over analyze things! Wow that was a wake up call! I learned that reason causes confusion and that I can't get confused if I don't try and figure stuff out! ;o) That doesn't mean I don't think! Just that the minute I start getting confused I need to back off because God is NOT the author of confusion but of my peace. My mind is not to be passive though... I can't combat negative thoughts without replacing them with something else or the next bad thing will just try and creep in!

Amazing evening. I went to bed convicted and hopeful. I woke up the next morning and came to work feeling joy. I was keenly aware that my circumstances hadn't changed. I had changed. :o)

Instead of thinking I was and feeling defeated I KNEW that God loves me. That I am forgiven. That my heart is right. That I am anointed. That hey, I may not do everything right but I don't do everything wrong either! And I a may not be exactly where I need to be but I am NOT where I was! :-D

Then, for a third time I am reminded of 2 Cor and casting down imaginations as my mom sent me a message quoting that scripture wondering if I was doing alright.

I was more than alright. I read her message and just laughed to myself. "Ok God! I hear you! Thanks for being obvious!" :o)

Still renewing my mind, seeking him while I worked, I received and email from a coworker asking me to remove the lock from 2 document containers that were located in the software I support.

The thing about removing the lock is only me, one other coworker, and the person who locked the container can actually see the "in work" container that is created when the file is "checked out" (locked). So when my coworker asked me to unlock the container she saw one thing. When I did a search and located the locked version I saw another. Her version had an excel spreadsheet in it. The "in work" version had an odd pdf file entitled "Girl, look at you."

I found this to be a bit odd. What would "Girl, look at you" have to do with an Acceptance Data Package for NASA hardware? So of course I open the file and this is what I see -

Girl, just look at you, with your pretty self. You are so beautiful! Not only are you beautiful, but you have the nerve to be talented and gifted by God. Hold your head up Girl and know that you are loved and appreciated. Don’t give the enemy any place to cause you to have low self-esteem or doubt. You are indeed fearfully and wonderfully made. This is your year to decree it and speak it! This is the year of new beginnings. So get your step on Girl, because God is faithful to perform all that He has promised to you! Be confident in Him and His word. The words you speak from your mouth determine your outcome. Why not speak good and positive things over your life Girl? You are not defeated but rather you are more than a conqueror. You have been through a lot in your life and look at you now, just as pretty and as strong as ever! Oh, how blessed you are. Look what God has done and look where He has brought you from. Begin to bless God and praise Him for all that He has done, and for making you so beautiful! He had you in His precious hands all the time. Your life is orchestrated by Him. He knows you and what is best for you. Believe that He has even greater things in store for you and your family. Girl, get over the silly stuff and grab hold of faith. Seek God as never before. Sure, times are hard, but God is Good! Learn to love who He has made you to be. There is no one like YOU.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!

I sat at my desk with tears in my eyes just laughing. This was CRAZY!


I showed my friend Jonna exactly what was going on and she too was amazed. (She's my witness!)

I saved the file to my computer and printed a copy knowing that as soon as I undid the lock the file would disappear and there would be no history of "Girl, look at you" ever existing.


As if I had any doubt that I serve a God that is alive, well, and here with me all the time no matter what, He went on to amaze me further.

When I chose the option on the screen to "undo the checkout" I got an error message saying something along the lines of "This file doesn't exist"

Now that's odd... Toni is out of the office. Julie is at the beach... No one else would know or even be able to unlock this file...

I redid my search for the locked version it was GONE. The file had been "checked in" and I had NOT done it.

No one had! But Jonna and Kathie as my witness, that thing was checked out and the file was there where an Acceptance Data Package should have been.


AMAZING.

I am humbled. I am amazed. I hear you God loud and clear and I love you!

When I was in high school Jars of Clay was one of my favorite bands. One song, "Love Song for a Savior" was one of my favorites. I actually heard it on the radio driving into work this morning and for the first time I feel like the window is open, that my eyes can see, that my ears can hear! I am in love with my God!

...Someday she'll understand the meaning of it all
He's more than the laughter or the stars in the heavens
close a heartbeat or a song on her lips
Someday she'll trust Him and learn how to see Him
Someday He'll call her and she will come running
and fall in His arms and the tears will fall down and she'll pray,
"I want to fall in love with You"...

Who am I now?!?


I am thankful. I am renewed. I am blessed I have JOY!!!! and I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live but Christ IN me. The life which I now live in the flesh, I live by FAITH in the Son of God who loves me... (Gal 2:20)

Thank you Jesus.

end of me

I was the one to call the shots
Dream-eyed dreams, heart and soul
Answered only to myself
Never giving up control
Until the one day that brought me to my knees
And I would never be the same

Chorus:
Once upon a time the story goes
I laid it all down and let it go
To lose it all To lose it all
Took a step of faith and said goodbye
And everything I had I left behind
To find true life
When all I longed for I found finally
At the end of me

And now gone is wasted days
The selfish soul, the emptiness
Love had dimly been replaced
That old life is laid to rest
And now the new me is stronger day by day
I will never be the same

Bridge:
And like an answer to a prayer
Jesus you were there
Calling me to live to die to give to gain
And I'll never be the same

why does the end of me still hurt so bad?

At the end of the day, I can and will dust myself off and look upward

I still struggle a lot. Then again, who doesn't?

I struggle with my mistakes and how I'm in this mess and how hurt I am and how this situation is going to affect my daughter.

He seems to thrive on hurting and manipulating me. It makes me feel violated and pissed off.

He talks out one side of his mouth with me and another to her. He lies.

And I was so stupid

I thought I could do so much good with him, with us.

So stupid and stubborn...

...and hopeful

Hopeful that a situation that was truly messed up was the happily ever after i always wanted.

I hoped until i believed it.

It makes it hard to trust myself. Makes myself question how different I really am... Feeling like the way i handle situations where I feel attacked is no different than before.

Really, am I really doing things different now?

I mean I'm more aware now, sure, but i wonder...

You combine me with someone like him and the result is BAD. Me with someone not like that? Probably different.

See I still find myself somewhat rationalizing, constantly trying to fix myself, thinking people don't like me, feeling like I'm not good enough, thinking I always mess up.

I mean seriously, him, work, my parents, its the same thing... Not good enough

I've always loved God. I've always had a relationship with him. I've always wanted to be involved and active. None of that's new so its not a change... I just CAN now whereas my previous environment stifled me.

I'm probably not giving myself enough credit.

I know my understanding of grace is new and has definitely made changes in me. Believe it or not my overall confidence is higher because of the grace but the people part, and the acceptance part... something I've always struggled with.

And the avoidance part... avoidance altogether or avoidance as an end result... I still tend to avoid things. It's a way of giving up because the hope that things will resolve and change through communication is shadowed by the usual punishment that is inflicted on me for trying to talk about it.

I think sometimes I don't trust that I've changed enough to trust myself that I'm going in the right direction.

I know that he is the way he is and that its not ok to be that way. I have 7 years of journal entries plus the last year of enlightenment to remind me. I FEEL like i can pick guys like him from a crowd now.

But yet I'm still sad. Sad because I felt so much love for him. I thought he loved me. I told myself we were going to make it. I was so sure but now, here I am and I feel like a fool. I feel like it was totally spelled out in the beginning and I ignored it.

I've always asked what I did wrong and what I need to change.

He's always had an excuse. Here's a change - I don't listen to them anymore or make them for him.

He's always baited me, even set me up sometimes. He can be very manipulative, of course he'd never admit that.

I've always second guessed my reasoning and conclusions.

I looked in the mirror yesterday morning and I saw someone who is tired, worn out, drained, hurt, broken, and wants peace to last more than a few days.

Sometimes you just need someone to understand how you feel, someone to tell you your fears, anxieties, concerns, disappointments don't make you crazy...sometimes you just want someone to trust.

Alrighty.

Amidst all this confusion, here's what I know.

I am loved. I am special. I am a good mom. I am forgiven. I am not alone. I am cherished. I am adored. I am beloved. I am worthy. I am free. I am grateful. In my weakness he is strong. I am beautiful. I am focused. I am indebted. I am no longer condemned. I am covered in compassion and mercy. I am made complete through Christ, and through Christ alone.

People can try to tear me down but they will not succeed because my hope, my faith, and my trust is in him and him alone.

My value is not determined by what others think or feel about me but by the one who knows the number of hairs on my head.

His grace, His abundant and plentiful grace is enough for me.

He sees me as worthy. He sees me as deserving. He sees me as loving and compassionate.

He knows how hard I try and reminds me that I should stop trying so hard.

He knows my needs. He knows my dreams. He knows my desires but most importantly he knows what he means to me...

and I know its not about me but his for his glory.

So although I all too often strive for perfection, my worst enemy, he knows, as well as I do, that I will seek him daily and that I want what he wants for me. I pray that my eyes stay open to the truth.

Because the truth, it sets me free.

Even if those around me miss the point I will not be deterred.

If I stumble, it's not them who catch me when I fall.

It's his grace and his grace is more than enough for me.

2 Corinthians 12: 7-10

"I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. "

A future AND hope

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and hope. Then you will call upon me and go and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ~ Jeremiah 29:11-12

I was driving to work this morning thinking about my past and the ways it could effect my future. I actually wondered if the mistakes of my past were too much... if I'll ever have the future I've dreamed of. Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to the end and see how everything turns out but I know I'll miss the rewards the journey has to offer along the way.

A big part of me wants to just accept things may not get any better than this. God knows I have plenty to be grateful for. I have many blessings. If I accept what I have and don't hope, then my hope can't be shattered.

But apparently God does want to give me a future AND hope. He wants me to hope!

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. ~ John 10:10:10

So God wants me to have a future, to hope, and to live life abundantly.

But when "the thief" is busy destroying how do you make it stop so you can have the future, the hope, and the abundant life?

Maybe my focus is off again?

My life’s in You

My strength’s in You

My hope’s in You

In You, it’s in You

I will praise You with all of my life

I will praise You with all of my strength

With all of my life

With all of my strength

All of my hope is in You

Maybe if I'm dreaming the wrong thing I should ask for him to change my dreams? I don't want to stop dreaming (hoping).

You'd think as long as I've had these dreams though... well they can't ALL be wrong. right?

Maybe I should have faith. Faith in his promise to give me a future, to give me hope.

Faith that everything will fall into place.

Focus. Trust. Believe. Ask. Pray. Take direction.

Maybe I'm dreaming

In counseling today I mentioned an entry I had written a few weeks back about being a princess.
I've been thinking about that a lot lately.

Somewhere along the way I lost my crown and I didn't even know it. I'm not sure I can even remember having it.

My counselor told me that Brooke and I need to have our picture taken together dressed as princesses because I needed to actually SEE myself as a princess, to have a physical reference.

I probably will. I'm pretty good at following directions.

and at least I have an idea for a 365 pic now. I'm experiencing a creative lull at the moment.

Anyway... when I tell myself I'm a princess what am I really saying?

I'm saying I want to not just see myself but BE strong, independent, confident, and beautiful. I want to be a person who exudes grace, kindness, and compassion.

I'm saying that even if my tiara gets tilted every once and a while (ok, maybe a lot) and maybe I'm not always those things, I'm still a princess, God's princess, because Christ made me worthy and elevated me to a place of royalty through his death and resurrection.

So with that in mind... as my character is fueled by my gratitude, I want my princess-like qualities to attract a prince. There aren't too many princesses that don't end up with a prince you know. Oh how I want a prince, one of God's princes. I truly do.

I want to be someone who's qualities attract a man that loves me like... like Christ loves his church! A man that makes me feel cherished, admired, liked, enjoyed, and loved. Truly loved. I want to be pursued. I want to be caught and that person not willing to let me go because I'm THAT great to him. I want to be in a relationship where he cares enough about what's good for us, good for him, and good for me to face and follow through on what needs to be changed, no matter how scary, in order to make things right.

Does that even exist?

Drained

You ever have a day filled with too many deep thoughts?

How do you know when you're settling vs being patient?

When does love for another person become unhealthy?

Sitting as a volunteer in the Sr. High service last week I listened as the youth minister preached on relationships that become an obsession. He kept saying that an obsession with someone else results in the loss of yourself. He went on to describe what it means to be "obsessed" with another person.

In hindsight I could see so many "obsessive" behaviors in my marriage and I am a testimony to how prolonged periods of obsessiveness can definitely result in the loss of oneself. Probably the biggest area I saw myself compromise was with my convictions and values.

There are so many reasons I think a lot of women find themselves in "unhealthy" relationships. The relationship may even start that way but all those hormones and butterflies and warm fuzzies may not only mask, but likely perpetuate the problem. What are the factors that ultimately lead to poor judgment?

For myself, there's always been the irrational fear of being alone, of having specific plans and the fear of them not coming to pass (control)... Then of course the fear of failure and the unhealthy desire to avoid conflict in areas where I don't feel safe to speak.

I wonder how many girls, especially Christian girls, grow up with the misconception that as a servant to her husband that she should keep quiet and "just" pray.

I actually had a person in a church tell me that I should be grateful that my husband was at church with me and that I should basically back off and lead through quiet example.

but i digress...

Besides all that fear stuff, for me I found myself wanting to fix, ultimately responsible, thinking that somehow I had any real influence over how I was treated or what mood he was in.

Going back to the whole being alone part... why is it so hard to be completely satisfied knowing that I already have everything I need through my relationship with Christ? I think a lot of girls fill a companion and intimacy shaped hole with a guy. I guy who can leave you and forsake you, instead of the ONE who promised never to.

As I go through this journey rediscovering myself and who I am in Christ I still struggle with not wanting to be alone. I still struggle with the concept that I won't have to compromise who I am to be in the relationship he wants me to have. That's like holy grail-like.

I believe the desperate need to feel loved, cherished, wanted, and desired can lead to ultimate self-destruction if left to our own devices.

Thank God for his grace, patience, and mercy... even more so for his never ending, hole-filling love that can pull us out of those dark places.

I've heard you see what you're looking for. A lot of time I think the thing we need has been there all along but we don't let ourselves see it, or maybe accept it.

This entry is so disjointed and all over the place. It's just been one of those days.

I'm going to Boston!!!

Yay!

Everything worked out :o)

He's faithful, even in the little things.

And I'd like to add, I think this one can be categorized as a small miracle. The government resubmitted AND approved travel that wasn't entered into the system until after 3:30 on a FRIDAY.

amazing ;o)